How to be a Successful Writer Without Trying – Part One
Stand in front of a mirror and punch yourself.
Drink a tall glass of scotch and smoke Camel Turkish Silvers.
Pick up a bad habit, like borrowing other peoples cell phones to report bad driving to numbers you pick up from “How’s My Driving” stickers on trucks you see on the road. Make shit up. Be belligerent, and give other people’s names as references.
Bars are your home, whether you drink or not. Own the end of a bar. Showers are not your friend. Grow a beard to catch the scotch and guinness that misses your mouth. Always order sausages.
Spend a good amount of time on an apartment search and then spend more money than you make on a flat that is too small and drafty. Force yourself to wear scarves on a 24-hour basis. Become intimate with instant food and noodles.
Borrow your stuck-up friend’s Mac and go to a Starbucks. Play some bad Radiohead over the speakers. Try Pablo Honey, and hit repeat on creep. Order only Triple Grande Non-fat No whip Zebra Mochas, and always send one back. Stand in line and look at the scones, but don’t ever order anything and don’t let people know you’re not actually in line.
Spend some time in Asian markets. Buy some Tom Yum Crisp and leave the dried up shrimp wherever you can. Box office window sills are prime real estate.
Steal jackets from business men after they’ve given you their business cards. Mail the jacket to people around the world and instruct them to take pics of themselves wearing the jacket in odd situations, like defecating in a public park on a merry-go-round, or fornicating in a dirty broom closet. Once the jacket has been around enough, mail it back to the business man and enclose a link to the website that now showcases the jacket’s amazing journey. Tell him he’s a twat.
Superglue car magnets to other people’s cars that blatantly contradict or nullify a bumper sticker they already have. Like the anti-obama “Keep the Change” countered with “‘Cuz I can’t fuckin’ count”.
Why do all this, you ask?
Because, being a successful writer has nothing to do with writing. Being a successful writer requires that you be an asshole, a troublemaker, a fascist and elitist fuck that people would rather punch in the face than listen to.
If you’re anything less than a scumbag, you’re just a business man with a penchant for metaphor.
– A.K. Thorne, Dirtbag Sessions: 1987